I was sitting on the sofa in my Prague apartment, surrounded by three friends. After about forty minutes, I felt a tingling sensation moving up my legs and arms, settling down in my belly. I knew I was going to be all right. Everything is all right, I thought, watching my judgments and fears dissolve in an ocean of love…
Hi, I am Marvin. 28 years of age, born and raised in Germany.
I’d describe my childhood as loving, sad and lonely. My parents did the best they could to provide a safe and nourishing environment. Both had been raised by parents directly affected by Nazi Germany. Both have been instilled with the diseases of moralism, guilt and shame… and passed a fair-share onto me.
As a child, I loved nature.
I went out in the woods almost every day. I loved writing and reading and collecting sticks to tinker with. I learned fast. Also, I learned to build a prison for myself… a mind-made prison, consisting of beliefs and internalized expectations. I learned to lie to get what I thought I wanted. I learned to withhold my feelings and hide my vulnerability.
You know, be tough, big boys don’t cry… I wanted to cry a lot. I never did.
I grew up to be a good boy, trying to convey a consistent self-image.
Deep down I held on to some unexpressed anger and frustration, shame, guilt and sadness. On the surface, I was OK. I did well in school. I was well liked.
Though when I was alone, I scared myself with my own thoughts… I played the most violent games I could find, watched abnormal pornography on a daily basis and lashed out at my parents and girlfriends. I had no idea how to deal with my mind.
I carried around and nurtured the belief that there was something intrinsically wrong with me… that I was just bad and could never let my real self be seen. I acted accordingly to prove my badness to myself. I hung out with shady characters. I stole money. I cheated and lied my ass off. I even hit my girlfriend’s dog, secretly, when I was mad at her.
That is one of the darkest memories.
Fast-forward a couple of years. I traveled for over 1,000 days. I went to workshops. I read all the books I could find about Eastern philosophy and self-help. I even lived with Brad Blanton, the author of Radical Honesty, for three months.
In short: I did a fair amount of work to get out of my mind and in touch with reality,
Now I was sitting on the sofa. My friend, a therapist, workshop leader and Master of Science in psychology, got some MDMA for me and two other friends to take.
When I first felt the effects, I tried to resist.
My mind brought up various thoughts of violence and darkness.
My friend advised me to relax into it. So I did… and one of the most profound healing experiences started to unfold:
I could see an underlying goodness to everything.
I realized that everything that has ever happened has happened inside a frame of love. Even the so-called bad… I could see love hiding behind everything. It seemed like the whole universe is run by a loving and caring energy.
My mind brought up memories of being hit by my parents.
I felt warmth and love towards them. I could see the bigger frame of everything and expanded my compassion towards them. I could feel their own confusion and see the love behind their actions. I could see them as children.
I laughed and started to walk around.
I started loving what is. I realized that everything that ever happened had to happen exactly the way it did. There is no one to blame. No one is in control anyways.
I started the process of forgiving the world… forgiving myself.
I thought about Hitler, one of the most repressed subjects in Germany.
I could even expand my compassion towards him a bit. He was not in control. Even his actions seemed framed in universal love. I am shaking now as I write this and feel sad.
So, my basic view of the world began to shift.
Instead of seeing myself as a shit-sandwich with occasional bright moments, I saw myself as basically good with some bad habits I picked up along the way… a white screen with some dark spots.
I hugged my friends and we all shared this great experience.
I advise anyone who wants to try MDMA to do it in a context of open sharing among friends. I think that MDMA is not the end-goal, but more a tool along the long way of practicing forgiveness and ultimately, forgiving ourselves.
To me, MDMA became a catalyst to assist me in opening up and getting over my trauma. It shows me which areas of my life to work on and where I still need healing.
So, MDMA is not the solution in itself. I combine it now with practicing honest sharing of feelings and thoughts among friends, meditation, yoga, expressing myself through writing and reading books and articles about our human mind and better ways to relate to one another.
I think MDMA is a great way to see what is possible outside of our minds…