I was told that intention was very important to begin with. Since I had some background of aya being a feminine spirit, also called the mother – I decided to set my intention on exploring the torturous and splintered relationship with my own mom (deceased). I drank ayauacha and the onsets (the first time) were slow… mostly geometric rainbow gradiant cascading visuals. It was highly enjoyable, but I shook myself – because I thought that if I were to just sit and have a beautifully vivid experience that I would leave regretting not “doing the work”.
A (now) friend who I had just met at the time, and was sitting next to was complaining of his Lyme disease (of which today is completely regressed, btw) was placed onto the healing mat andI felt called to witness his session with our ayauascharo. Even though I had no prior experience or reference to the type of healing that could be accomplished when on ayauacha, I was spurred to jump up and walk over, I extended my hand at his body – similar to how the congregating does at my church – and felt a light flow through me, through my arms and the palm of my hand, like I was a superhero or something. There was very little thought involved, just the experience of being there, as a conduit for this light stream. It’s not an easy thing to describe, but it was a part of the journey for me.
A few people took their turns on the healing mat, and eventually I did as well. People placed their hands on and around me, I was wrapped up in blankets and sheets, and I felt this ecstasy – totally safe in a cocoon. I was such a high state of joy until I realized, again, that I didn’t come for a “good” time. People started singing my mother’s name – which I had provided prior to drinking… and a deep revelation dawned on me… that I was experiencing joy in gratitude – gratitude for she who sacrificed so much for me. I realized that I never had the experience of sharing the gratitud with her, that I was always ungrateful… and it sucked. It felt like I was the worst person who ever lived. All the good memories rushed back and each one was met with a deeper level of regret. I was an awful human. The remorse cut so fucking thick that I began wailing and crying and… in front of a large group I was unfamiliar with – the shame of my selfishness was amplified – though I wasn’t conciously aware of the space I was sharing, I was affected by it.I reached a void, a place of nothing – with the high joy and deep regret there was nothing left to feel.
I was empty, and in that moment something I’ll never forget happened. I tell it like this: My mother came to visit me. Now I don’t know what really happened, all I can relay is my experience, which was not visual, nor was it auditory, it was transcendent and personal. For lack of a better word we’ll just call it the soul, or essence, or spirit, of my mother came to visit me, I felt her emerge in through my ribcage and just sort of hold a gentle space inside where we had a talk that basically was summed up by her saying “My boy, I love you unconditionally, I am here with you now and always. There’s no need to regret the past because it’s not real anymore. Thank You for your love, thank you for doing this… I am experiencing everything you experience and I know how much you care. I’m sorry too for what happned but that doesn’t matter because I’m with you – and I understand.” – at the moment when she went away, back into the darkness – I saw my ribcage light up as with iridiscent LEDS or something, bright blue – and the whole experience was so surreal – at which point a thick stream of energy came up from below the center of my blue ribs. It was laughter and it was LOUD! So loud that I had to stop, in order to not disturb the rest of the group. When I stopped, there was a crowd of laughter from the group. It only lasted a minute, but it was a firm reminder that as serious as everything seems. It really doesn’t have to be.
I have had many more aya journeys, experiences, etc. but this was my first.