My story involves a transformation in mind and the escape from a crippling addiction. I have no doubt my recovery was spurred by the catalyst of psychedelic experience, specifically dimethyltryptamine and psilocybin. I’m a 44-year old male from a middle working class family. I work a blue-collar corporate job, and I have had an interest in mind-altering substances since my teens.
A little over a year ago I was involved in an affair with crystal methamphetamine that took me to the brink of insanity and physical breakdown. I have DMT and psilocybin to thank for helping me gain perspective and snapping out of its evil spell.
I had some marriage problems, dissatisfaction with my job and frankly boredom that led me back to a old Friend of the Devil that I had managed to stay away from for a good 20 years. I had some experience with meth in my youth, being surrounded by it when I moved to Arizona after high school. That was the late ’80s and early ’90s, and it was a different recipe — less refined. Back then people referred to it as crank, or more appropriately shit. I did get dependent on it back then for a few years, but it never effected me as badly as it did in the recent nightmare it dragged me through. I think the lack of purity and a more recreational approach, as well as a lack of a surplus of the drug to consume, kept me from really losing it back then. I also thought that since I never smoked or injected it I could maintain some control over its pull, but this is a big lie.
This is where psychedelics work their magic in an addicts mind, because they don’t allow you to lie to yourself. Addictions are perpetuated by lies. How else could you look yourself in the mirror with your red skin breaking out from the ooze of chemical sweat and think what I need is just another line of toxins of course? I warn anyone that thinks they are strong enough to experiment with the meth demon: you can be easily fooled. I came into a situation where I could acquire it easily from someone at work. My idea was to use it as a weekend recreation and motivational supplement for mundane chores.
I was getting what I found to be a much more pure product than what I had seen 20 years ago — rocks that looked like shards of glass, as many have come to refer to it now shards or glass. I still thought if I refrained from smoking it and just snorted it on the weekends then took a day off to rest before going back to the grind I would be fine. This did work in fact for a while. I enjoyed what seemed like a renewed lust for life and my hobbies of playing guitar and wrenching on my vehicles.
I was getting what seemed to be a lot done helping my wife run her own business etc. This is the insidious nature of the drug because you’re fooled into thinking it’s short-lived performance enhancements are worth the side effects. This starts a game of denial where you watch yourself deteriorate but are helpless to the chains of the addiction, finding a way to justify every time you need to get high. This evil parasite takes up a home inside not just your body but your very soul. If there is such thing as possession by demons, meth addiction qualifies. I kept it a secret from my wife for a long time, hiding it better than I was aware of. I finally confessed during a crisis of our dog almost dying. Meth took me to a state of paranoia eventually that I never would have imagined I could go. Hearing voices, peering out the window sure someone is watching my sorry state of being with malicious intent. This was most likely due to the sleep deprivation it caused. I started to have delusional hallucinations of parasites attacking my body. I thought the world was out to get me and when I look back on that person I don’t even recognize who I was.
It was a shameful shell of who I really could be and I thank the plant gods for getting me back on the road to recovery. My wife needless to say was upset and felt betrayed, so I agreed to an out patient, hella expensive rehab of counseling sessions. The counseling was helpful but was pushing me toward the standard 12 Step program. I was not very impressed with the NA model of abstinence from everything and affirmations of “I’m a loser ready to fall off the wagon anytime.” I think that is a flawed ideology because each moment is a chance to be someone new and different.
Psychedelics show you that your only obstacles are mostly flawed self-perceptions. I continued my own self-healing with DMT and a couple psilocybin trips. I know those head-trips were my inspiration to finally flush the last bag of meth down the toilet. I had previous experiences with psychedelics as early as my late teens. In high school I started with LSD and later had encounters with mushrooms and ecstasy. Being a fan of the Grateful Dead these drugs were plentiful. I look back on those early days of use as less important than my recent journey however because the intent was much more recreational then. I took them along with friends to enhance concerts, camping, and hiking adventures more than for their introspective value.
My introduction to DMT would show me a different perspective from some of my more introspective, intense LSD and psilocybin trips, with a unique presence of a caring intelligence. This intelligence offered guidance in a truthful direction giving insights to denied behaviors.
DMT somehow found me at just the right time to be saved. The first time I used it, it blew my mind. I took a few puffs of an off-white powder mixed with some herb and my room was transformed into some glowing alive space. Everything looked alive and vibrating on some invisible lattice mapped out in light. My eyes were astonished to see a figure hovering by in an egg shaped holographic spacecraft with tribal drums and chants echoing in the background of some other time space. Never had I seen anything this intense on any other substance and it made my beliefs in supernatural realms a reality I could experience at the puff of a pipe — amazing!
Looking back on my behavior when using, I noticed I always played the victim role. I perceived everything happening as out of my control. I can’t say I’m some enlightened being after imbibing the spirit molecule, but I know I’m a better person. My mind is no longer obsessed with dark thoughts of victimization. I found a renewed creative interest in art and expression. I now have an interest in meditation and Buddhist philosophies of mindfulness. I also have found an interesting side effect is I no longer crave alcohol. I will have a beer or two but no desire to get hammered anymore.
I would recommend psychedelic therapy to anyone in the grips of addiction with a willingness to be saved. The only warning I have is be prepared to see yourself and your world in a new light. The transformation is not all warm and fuzzy rose garden parties. It can be a rude awakening to the work that you were running from getting high.
Peace, Love and Plant propagation!