I began to hear the calling towards this healing modality about 1 and a half years ago. I am 38 years old and had suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts since my teenage years. It was during the past 4 years when the darkness and urge towards exiting became stronger and stronger. However, I had a deep voice that kept whispering, “keep searching.”
My journey towards healing, conscious awakening, and connecting to my spirit began 5 years ago when I was determined and desperate to find alternative ways to feel healthy outside of western medicine. This exploration led me into meditation practices, holistic health care modalities, cleansing protocols, juicing, eating a clean diet, body work, and even changing my career to service others in the healing arts. However, I continued to carry dark thoughts with me. I knew this dark heaviness didn’t belong to me, yet I could not let go or figure out what was causing such disconnect.
I had heard about Ayahuasca over the years and was intrigued, yet didn’t have the calling until recently. A very good friend of mine had a visitor from Peru stay in her home for a while and she was well versed in this sacred medicine. After talking with her on many occasions, the spirit of the medicine began showing up in my life. I would be taking a walk outside and actually feel her essence around me. It’s quite difficult to explain without sounding too crazy, however those who have had Aya would understand this. It has been 4 months since my first Ayahuasca ceremony, and I remain depression and suicidal free.
Forty-five minutes had past after having my first drink and I still wasn’t having any sort of experience. As I sat and watched the participants in my ceremony go on their journey through the sounds of cries, laughter, moans, groans, and purging, I sat in a bit of frustration and confusion as to why I wasn’t “feeling” anything. I thought to myself, “where are the lessons, where is the darkness I need to face, where are the shadows to help me heal?”I began feeling irritated, tired, and even somewhat bored. I even contemplated not taking a second drink. I could have easily gone to sleep at that point. However, I figured I am here and paid for the medicine so I might as well take the second serving.
It was shortly after my second drink when I began crying uncontrollably and felt the deepest sense of sadness run through my veins. I had wrapped myself in my blanket and curled into the fetal position. Some time had passed when I asked the question, “why am I so sad? Why am I in so much physical pain?” It was then I was given the vision of being in my mother’s womb while pregnant with me. I then began to have the emotional experiences of being hurt, scared, fearful, sad, and heartbroken. I knew my mom had a very difficult pregnancy due to her marital circumstances, but I never thought it would have affected me the way it did.
When my mother announced to my father that they were going to have a baby, he had an emotional breakdown. My father had been having an affair and wasn’t looking to have a child with my mother. It was then that he expressed that he was leaving her and wanted a divorce. My mother went through her entire pregnancy with all the emotions I discussed above. My mom has talked about how she cried almost every day of her pregnancy until the day I was born. And, how she wanted a baby so bad that once I was born she was able to fall out of love with my father. However, I went through and experienced everything my mother did for those nine months. It was during my Aya journey that I learned how to heal and release through forgiveness and love.
As I lay there crying in pain, I kept repeating, “I love you,” to my mother. I also had to turn to myself and let go of this pain I was holding onto since birth and release it through love. I had to tell myself that this pain isn’t mine and that it is now free to go. At this point I began to feel extremely nauseous, dizzy, and downright sick. I needed to purge but couldn’t release the energy I had just broken through.
I managed to crawl over to one of the shamans and ask for help. He served me a hefty dose of rapé to help me move and clear this energetic blockage. It was as if a torch was lit on my brain. I began breathing very heavy and felt like every muscle fiber in my body was being ripped to shreds. I then could feel the entire blackened spirit gather in my gut. Just when I thought I couldn’t take it anymore I traveled through a dark tunneled space with beaming lights and began to purge. The experience was rough and intense as I had no control of my body at this point.
The purging lasted for about 15 minutes. I was absolutely amazed with the amount of energetic blockage that exited out of my body. Afterwards, I looked at the shaman and said, “you know what you’re doing.” Even though I felt a huge energetic relief, I was shaking, weak, and having difficulty walking and breathing. A couple friends helped me outside to get some fresh air and ground myself. I remember asking out loud, “why does this have to hurt so bad?” I continued to be in physical discomfort and was ready for this to be over. However, Aya had a bit more to show me.
I began having images of my grandmother and feeling the anger, pain and sadness she has carried with her throughout her life. It was then that I knew this journey was to heal the lineage of women in my family in order to release the negativity that got carried onto me. Once again I went into a space of love and forgiveness. It took everything out of me to transcend this deep hurt into the most beautiful feeling of pure, infinite love. I then began to purge again. After this second round of purging, a complete transcendence into a loving space flooded my heart. I sat with nothing but gratitude, compassion, appreciation, and love for myself, the women in my lineage and all women on the planet.
This experience built immense compassion for every being walking the planet because there is so much more to everyone’s existence than what meets the eye. Being able to release areas in which I couldn’t even see within myself has given me the gift of being able to become more aware of times when I may have casted a judgment onto someone. I also felt incredibly grateful for the existence of this beautiful medicine and its ability to release stress, anxiety, and tension in my physical body had held onto my entire life. Though I am in the early stages of exploring plant medicine, I know that it carries an ancient wisdom in which my spirit was so desperately seeking for years. I plan on continuing my journey and exploration with Aya and other Indigenous medicines.