Personal Story: Iboga And Psilocybin Mushrooms Saved Me On The Brink Of Suicide

Photo by Petar Paunchev.

 
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by Leeann

on March 16, 2015

If my story helps another person to take a step and give these wonderful substances a chance to heal them in a natural way, I will feel happy. Another reason I’m writing this, is that I want to give iboga the credit for saving my life.

Two years ago on one sunny day my world came crushing down. I received a call that suddenly my father had passed away. The shock, horror and heartbreak were close to indescribable and I felt as alone as I would ever feel. I didn’t have any more relatives to share this pain with, so there I was, alone and crushed. A year went by in a fog and the only thought that crystallized in my mind was “I don’t want to go further with my life.” Life had no more value to me and I carefully started planning my suicide. I wrote a final will and gave it to good friend of mine to distribute my belongings “in case” something happened. I decided to not say anything to my boyfriend since he was already on a suicide watch with me.

About three weeks from my planned suicide date, out of total coincidence, I came in touch with iboga providers in the Netherlands. Their schedule was full but, understanding that I may not make it, they made it possible for me to come in and take part in ceremony a couple days later. I didn’t know anything about iboga…After an initial search online I saw that [articles found online said] its “dangerous” and that only a “crazy” person would touch it — as well as warnings that you can die from it. This didn’t stop me, since I already wanted to die. So I went for it.

The Ceremony

We were given a test dose of iboga. I will never forget the taste. I remember it tasting like a bitter dirt, something that seemed to taste bad, but at the same time the flavor was so familiar. After an hour went by, we were given more iboga in capsules. The trip is hard to describe, but the biggest highlight for me was that I got to see my father, for a very short but beautiful moment. I felt him physically and saw him as if he was alive, and we hugged. I don’t know if that was just a hallucination or iboga really made it possible to see him one more time, but I will always be thankful for that moment.

In other parts of trip I was shown how to deal with negative thoughts and how to look at the world and life. I saw my own brain and these small human figures cleaning it and shaking their heads about how much crap there was. I never got sick or vomited, I just felt weak the next day, which is fairly normal. But what I noticed was something I have never known before: my mind was clear, there was no chatter, no thoughts racing through. If I looked at the sky, the only thought in my mind was about the sky and its beauty, that was it. I couldn’t believe it. I even tried to start thinking of something sad and it simply was impossible. Iboga providers warned me that this state of mind will stay with me for two to four months and afterwards I need to re-examine if I need more help.

I came home a changed person, my boyfriend couldn’t recognize me, neither could my friends and co-workers. Heck, I didn’t even recognize myself. Suicide thoughts didn’t even exist anymore and they were reduced to a stupid plan from the past. For the first time, I was living in the moment, not in the past or future. This state of mind lasted for me about three and a half months and then I started to go back in the old patterns: worrying, over-thinking things and getting down again. That’s when the advice came to try magic mushrooms as a bridge-over. Since, in the Netherlands, you can order them and they get neatly delivered to your work, I did just that and went on my first psilocybin trip at the first chance I got. This trip kept on teaching me more and letting me let go of traumas from childhood and negative feelings from my past. After the trip, I emerged even more improved and happier that I can remember myself in long time. I simply couldn’t believe that I never knew that these wonder substances even exist.

Altogether I did two iboga treatments and three trips on magic mushrooms, the last one being half a year ago. Since then I have changed; I never have a bad mood, attitude or sadness. I have become truly happy emotionally for the first time in my life and the openness of my mind is even mind-blowing to me. I am open to any new experiences that life throws my way, seizing every moment with my whole heart. Thank you iboga and psilocybin for turning me from a suicidal, depressive person to the happiest person that I know. I will always and forever be indebted to you and tell about you to anyone who wants to listen, may be one day they will take that step.

Best wishes to you all out there.