Ayahuasca extended my life. At the age of 16, I became bulimic. It was after two years of being molested by an older couple. I was young, and it was a juvenile way of dealing with the emotional and mental pain of the drama I went through.
You see, I was an ordinary 14-year old gild when I had lost my virginity to a man ten years older than me. I was introduced by a woman who claimed she was living with her brother. The brother manipulated me and charmed me at a time when I was trying to escape my mother and her new husband. Before long, I slept over at a friend’s house, and I found out that my friend’s younger sister was baby sat by the mother of the man that took my virginity. Long story short, I found out they were married, but I believed the lies that they told me about the annulment.
I was baptized Episcopal at my father’s home, and raised Baptist Christian by my mother’ side, and I was not ready to accept that I lost my virginity to a married man, especially when my friends were just starting to learn how to put on makeup.
When I started the eating disorder, it never occurred to me that I was unable to stop. 17 years later, I was still struggling. I went to doctors, psychologists, social workers, and I tried countless times to quit. Nothing was working. My daughter is now the age I was when I lost my virginity. I would lie awake at night with the weirdest intuitive feeling that I was going to die soon. Then This is Life with Lisa Ling came on, and inspired me to book my first ayahuasca trip.
The effects lasted a while. I came home and baked seven batches of cookies for my family and friends for Christmas. I was doing well until I went back to school. I started purging again, and the glow wore off. I booked another trip to a retreat in Iquitos. Again, I was able to sustain from purging, until I went back into society. All came crashing down the day before my birthday when I saw a class full of children eating cupcakes. For two months straight, I came home with a batch full of cupcakes, and purged away my stress. By the fall, it was clear it was the stress getting to me.
Determined not to give up, in November I took another dose. This time, I had a breakthrough. I felt I was going to die. At first, I saw a wheel of spirits dancing like a Disney Haunted House ride. They were tricksters. They said that I could die or I could live. I could share my story, or someone else will. It did not matter. If I did not learn my lessons in this lifetime, I would learn them in another. That is when I thought about what mattered.
I guess I may have felt some ambiguity about my life. I was playing Russian Roulette with it every time I threw up my food. At that moment, where some may have been thinking about ego death, I was thinking about my own life. I realized that I had to do what was right. I had to be healthy and raise my daughter. She was going through a tough time and needed her mother. I saw how bright and beautiful my life could be, and the image of me, a beautiful woman with full, healthy curves.
It seemed so simple, but it was right there in front of me. More waves kept coming, and I knew why. They were reminding me like a mother when she repeats herself. The reminders were to not forget. I promised I would not. Since then, I have stopped purging. I have not forced any food since that night. I came really close one time, and I could hear ringing in my ears the night I almost relapsed. I felt it was the spirit of the vine speaking to me, and telling me to be strong.
I have also been given a prophecy, and it soon came true. That is something that I will not share at this time, but it was so profound; it showed me that the spirits are real. They are in the plants.
One final note, since they gave me the go-ahead to share the story, they also gave me a message to share with those that take ayahuasca and DMT: The plants are to be respected. It is not to be messed with. It is not a high, and there is a divine quality to the beings one comes in contact with.
Another important message it gave me was that we are not meant to know all the answers. Just trust the universe. Take care of your families. Everything is perfect and beautiful. There is a divine plan for us all, and we are like children in the cosmic universe. Best of all, we are loved. Now that I have been given this lifesaving advice from this respected and highly intelligent medicine, I am truly grateful.
I see a new perspective on things now. Since summer, I have gained 15 pounds. I admit it is a little strange and hard to get over. My identity of being a skinny girl is changing. At least I do not have to hear people in the checkout line of the grocery store saying, “She looks like she’s on drugs.”
My family is noticing a difference. I feel better. The lesson was that life is so important. Staying healthy is the best way to preserve health. It doesn’t matter if a person is 100 pounds or 250. What matters is that a person is here on this earth having a human experience. Thank you mother ayahuasca for showing me the value of my life!
This article has been edited lightly for typos and clarity, and to remove names of specific people, places, and/or entities.