Ever since I can remember I’ve been depressive and miserable. Before I even was in High School I started to cut myself and drink excessively. I also abused drugs and went to illegal rave parties every weekend. There were times when I drunk two bottles of wine everyday and smoked ten joints by myself. I pretty much abused every substance that came into my hands.
Where my self-destructive behavior came from was pretty obvious. When I was 16, I was at a disco. I drank from every cup I was given and found myself waking up outside with a guy on top of me. All I remember is that I ran and that I threw up in front of my friends that had been looking for me for hours. I didn’t even really care about what happened at this point, because I didn’t care about anything anymore and I thought that it was my fault.
A year later a guy broke into my house when I was alone there. He was topless and was just walking around in my house. He didn’t take any money, nor the weapon that was on my father’s desk. When I yelled at him he ran away, but he left me in a terrible state of shock which would lead to PTSD and anxiety to the point where I didn’t want to be alone in the house anymore.
Then one and a half year ago my brother died. He was my best friend and the person I loved the most in this world. I was devastated and there was no way for me to explain why things like this happen anymore.
Just at that time a guy came into my life, who is now my best friend. He told me about meditation and spiritual healing. Meditation really seemed to help me and I was better for a few months but then went back into drugs. I just wanted to make my head not exist anymore. Then my friends suggested that we go camping deep in the woods and all try LSD.
This might have been one of the most important moments in my life. For the first time I could see what I felt during meditation. I felt like it gave me proof that I do have a connection to the universe. I felt that every tree, every insect, the sun, water, my friends –– we were all one. I remember I was sitting on a giant rock crying because it was so overwhelmingly beautiful.
After this experience, my life changed completely. I started listening to the universe, collecting stones, meditating daily, and reading spiritual literature. But as beautiful and divine as it was, my demons came back and started taking over again. And I didn’t have the strength to fight them. I was fine with being miserable and sad. I kind of even liked it, altough that may sound weird.
Just when I was back at the start, I made the decision to travel to South America, leave everything behind and start a spiritual journey to find some answers. On my journey I met a guy who worked as a translator in an ayahuasca centre in Iquitos, Peru.
I’ve heard about ayahuasca before but I was never really interested in it. Now I realize that ayahuasca was seeking out me. She seeks out people that need her help. Nobody comes across ayahuasca without a reason. I ended up translating at a centre and not taking my flight back home.
It would take me another 10 essays to describe what I experienced during my work with ayahuasca. But I do believe that it is a healing plant and I don’t know where my life would be right now without this experience.
I learned how to deal with my beloved brother’s death. I conquered my depression as well as my PTSD. Things that different psychologists and psychiatrists tried to solve over years had been solved by the plant medicine within a few nights. Ayahuasca is truly the Mother Plant – as loving and caring as a Mother. I’m deeply grateful to have had the opportunity to work with this powerful instrument that finally made me understand. I’m happy now.