Mid-summer of 2012, I had ended yet another relationship with a partner which in fact had been very damaging to my soul, mind, and body. The blame not solely paced upon my partner as I truly did have a hand in its demise as well. That combined with the economic crisis and long term affects of childhood weird that we all go through had left me at what I believe to be rock bottom. I was doing anything to get myself right again, including spending a fair penny on self help books, writing, and soul searching without any great success.
One Sunday afternoon that summer I decided that I’d go down to the river for a swim and just relax. The interesting thing was, was that I was not relaxed, in fact I was far from it. I fell into a deep despair sitting on a rock watching the water roll over my body. I kept looking up to the sky and then suddenly I began screaming and calling out to God for help. I knew something was not right with me, I knew that all of this self pity, self destruction, low self esteem, and void of joy was not how my life was intended to be lived. That much I do know came from the self help books. I must have sat in that river for over an hour yelling up to the skies for help. I needed something but didn’t know what that something was that could help me. I begged and pleaded with God for assistance, assistance that would make me who I was designed to be. Assistance that would make me feel life again, happy, joyful, compassionate, loving, and whole.
God must have heard my cries because six months later I was accepted into a program at Johns Hopkins for smoking cessation using psilocybin as a form of treatment. The program consisted of several months of therapy with doctors prior to the three psilocybin sessions. We talked about everything I could think of however without my knowing, there were a lot more deep rooted issues within me than I even knew about. I knew about psilocybin from my own readings but wasn’t really prepared for what would happen while under the influence. I was warned that I may encounter some demons that I’d have to fight while under the influence however I was not aware that those demons would be the core of my problems, the most freighting self realizations that one can face and a battle it was.
On my first sessions I was administered roughly 3.5 grams of psilocybin and to say it was the most beautiful experience I’ve ever witnessed is an understatement. There was so much love, so much community, so much dancing, and etc. Words won’t even do it justice. People from my past who have caused me great pain showed up and I forgave them with gratitude. God or one that we like to refer to as God showed up as a blob of orange, red, and yellow colors. It was smiling at me and pulsating love towards me. Somehow I was placed inside my head and everything was quiet and still, my body was inside my head looking forward at a small white light. The peace I experienced at the time was like no other and to this day I mediate with that image in mind. I saw my body dissected into two and all of the toxins begin raked out of my body as if I were starting a new.
My second sessions I was administered roughly 3.5 grams of psilocybin again; however this time was the complete opposite of my first session. It was dark, gruesome, ominous, heavy and full of despair. I fell down a wormhole of negativity that I’ve never experienced before, it was time for my demons to appear and time for the fight. I recall crying out for God a lot and asking him why I was the way I was. I was demanding help, demanding answers, demanding to be cured. I recall the tears saturating the blackout mask I was wearing and the mucus running down from my nose and onto my back. I recall seeing myself shoot myself with a silver revolver execution style on my living room floor and watching my limp body fall onto the oriental carpet. When I came to one of the doctors stated that I just went through ten years of therapy in six hours and that they would suggest a psychologist for me to talk to who was experienced in psilocybin therapy to help me unpack all of this. Thankfully I did and thankfully he has been a true aid in my healing. I can say with certainty that, that was the most emotional time of my life. I believe that this session truly did work its magic in setting me off to the road of repair.
My third and final sessions I was administered roughly 8 grams of psilocybin and off to the races I went again. At least half of the session is a blur to me however I do recall going down wormholes asking questions about myself and at times getting the answers, other times no answer what so ever. Afterwards, my deceased Grandmother was with me and what a joy it was to be present with her. I was able to experience childhood memories with her as well as adult memories and we traveled a lot (or so it seemed) to the beach, to the river, to her house. She radiated so much love towards me and so much confidence towards me that I could do anything I wanted to. I felt her pass on her powers to me and stated that she lived her life so that I could live mine fuller. Such an amazing gift that was.
After all of these sessions my life was transformed dramatically, I think the awareness that the drug brought has played the major role in altering my life. The constant negative thoughts of you’re not worthy enough, you’re not good enough, and you’re not smart enough had all disappeared. My ability to live in the present is amazing, I no longer think about past traumas, or future traumas, I am mainly in the now and how wonderful of a feeling that it. I meditate regularly; find compassion in people, plants, and things. I have become an empathetic person and listening is a strong suit of mine. My positivity for life has transformed from something I wanted to feel to something I can’t help but feel. I can sit out in the park or at the beach and know that we are all linked together, not only people but trees, wildlife, roads, and etc. My gratitude for life and daily events, even the bad ones is sky high, and I write about it daily.
I know notice anxiety and am able to deal with it in a positive manner changing it from anxiety to excitement. The awareness of how precious life is and how important the care of one’s body is has become ever present. The importance of exercise, eating well, and working daily on mental health has become a big part of my life. With that being said, I treated my body rather poorly for 37 years prior to the psilocybin experience and developed some nasty habits. While I may not have broken all of those habits to date, daily I feel the ramping up of those habits being broken and daily I’m chipping away at those habits with a confidence that I’ve never had before. Psilocybin not only rearranged my thinking but it grabbed my ego, shook it violently, and placed it back into my body with beauty and love. I realize that psilocybin was a tool to shake the modern day thinking that I’ve been taught as correct. It truly is a great gift to mankind and I wish that all who are capable could experience its magic; I believe it can help mankind change the world for the better.
In parting, I now see geometric shapes and at times in different colors dance in my mind while I listen to music with my eyes closed. What an amazing gift that is.